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To the Zoo! (A Biology Report)

It was a boring evening. A very boring evening indeed. The Psycho Twins from Dimension Q were found lounging in Massa Sev's office along with Cybart, evil overlord of the Bubblewrapian Empire, and the Panda Mae!, a strange crazy panda that held a sinister hold over one of the Psycho Twin's thoughts. The Psycho Twins weren't really twins, mind you, they just happened to look alike. The first twin I'm mentioning is Reikei. Reikei is the crazed purveyor of Sake filled Espressos, whose thoughts the Panda Mae! holds captive. The second is Karakins. Karakins from the Land of the North has ODed on Espressos and has caused much HAVOC throughout the school. Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, that is. Cybart is, as above mentioned, the evil overlord of the Bubble-forget it--she's more insane then all of them put together.

The sound of a Sacred Spoon clinking against porcelain signified that Reikei was creating one of her Espressos for Massa Sev, who became rather frighteningly hyper when it really got to him. Reikei, Karakins, Cybart, and the Panda Mae! all gathered round on the Sisi Rug and stared blankly into the concave loveliness of a Sacred Spoon. Now, to reveal the location of Hogwarts in my mind would be perpetually horrid! But, I shall anyway. Hogwarts is located aboard a pirate ship inside the Coldplay song Clocks, in a land where it is always Springtime. The Bubblewrapians live there as well, only inside The Oven Mit of Charismatic.

The girls were soon interrupted from their gazing as the Panda Mae! let out a strange cackle and immediately clamped it's mouth shut, staring around with the widest eyes one has ever seen. Cybart looked uncertainly at the panda and made a o.O face. She spoke, "You're Ailuropoda melanoleuca has absolutely no coothe!" Reikei arched a brow, right eye twitching slightly, "Why do you say that?" Cybart gave an annoyed sigh and replied, "It just said I was full of almond juice and had a potato for a brain." Reikei stared blankly, "I only heard a cackle." Cybart growled, "Are you insane?! It couldn't have been more clear!" Massa Sev cackled from his desk and began to viciously plot taking over the world with greasy-hair freeing potions. Karakins came running into the dwelling, though none noted her leaving, brandishing a sword and chasing a coat of armour. "Avast ye scurvy dogsbody! You villainous gobb! Ye'll not take them alive, not if Krazy Monkey Fat Karakins has anything to do with it!" Reikei tackled the coat of armour to the floor and snugged it, "Charles!" she shrieked. Following closely after Karakins came Pumpkin Pie, a beatnik of a woman who smoked cigars and constantly warned people not to. Pumpkin gave the Stink Eye to all in the room and tapped her Death Stick. "Don't gamble kids." She tossed a burlap sack clinking with coins to Massa Sev and darted out. Karakins dropped her sword and pouted furiously as the coat of armour slipped away after Pumpkin, snickering metallically. Reikei flopped over, using the Panda Mae! as a pillow, who emitted some odd squeaking noises. Cybart sat up, massaging her head, "My AOL Instant Messenger just quit." Reikei growled and yelled, "Evil sadistic cretinous monstrosities that are the manufacturers of AIM! They are just like my teachers! They own much coveted sugar plantations and morph into werewolves and vampires at night and go and feed on their students' minds in the form of homework!" Massa Sev stared wide-eyed at her, stumbling for words, "Your... mind... is... insanely... BRILLIANT!" Reikei cackled malevolently and Massa Sev requested, "Why don't you four go do something else? Better than lying about listening to my evil plots." Cybart curled into a ball, eyes shining, and began to chant, "Havochavochavochavochavoc," while Reikei leapt into the air and yelled, "I say we paint ourselves with tiger stripes, and FREE all the animals in the zoo!" The Panda Mae! replied with a scary, "PANDAAAHAHAAHAHAAA!" which settled it.

Some forty-five point two minutes later, four figures were seen sneaking across Clocks, cackling. They moved along at an incredibly slow pace, for Karakins kept stumbling all over them. "Sorry, tripped over a lyric," she would say. Karakins pulled out her wand and quietly whispered, "Lumos," creating a small beam of light, so she could watch out for lyrics and half rests. Cybart flew above them in the Skillet of Doom, keeping a lookout for the zoo as she stroked a dandelion, "I shall call him Charles." Karakins screwed her face up and replied, "Wasn't that the coat of armours name?" "Yes and also the name my fuzzle refers to me as," Cybart replied. "You mean the one with the phobia of linen?" Reikei inquired. "The very same!" Cybart finished.

Soon the four Homo sapiens... and panda... came upon the zoo entrance and stared at it, each beginning to drool, forgetting what they came here for. About fifteen minutes of recollection took place, and the girls were off into the zoo. Karakins rolled about stealthily, clutching binoculars and looking out for the fwombling gnargles--err.. zoo guards. The Panda Mae! kept itself barnacled to Reikei's head, cackling and clamping its mouth shut. Cackle, clamp. Cackle, clamp. Stare. Letting out a gasp of shock, Karakins pointed at a zoo guard, standing near the Cat House. The Panda Mae! went, "Pandaaa aaahaa pandaAAaaaAAAaa pandaaA?" Cybart shrugged, "I have no idea, the Panda Mae!, allow me to ponder." Cybart sat in the hovering Skillet of Doom, staring into the distance. Several moments passed, when Reikei randomly yelled, "The Secret Giant Box of Gloves! I always knew it existed! If only Massa were here!" This earned her several O.O's. Cybart turned back to thinking, several more minutes passing. When suddenly, "I know! I shall toss Charles into the Cat House, and he will distract the guard! When the guard goes to inspect, he will find the door to the Cat House OPEN and the house EMPTY, for you three will intercept... EMPTY except for a single cup of NONDAIRY, LOFAT, HYPOALLERGENIC, DECAFFEINATED *evil decaf* MOCHA VANILLA CARAMEL IRISH POODLE CREAMY COFFEE DRINK, and while he is PUZZLING, I shall sneak up behind him and thwonk his ankles with a SALMON!" Reikei gasped until coughing overtook her, "Salmon Ankle Thwonking! The torture!" Cybart cackled, "Then we shall each ride and free the rest of the animals on a Panthera tigris, wearing mauve capes that flap fearfully in the breeze! Our eyes shining with the light of niftiness and Koolaid-Overdoseness!" Reikei, Karakins, and the Panda Mae! all stared in awe, drooling slightly. Karakins teared a bit, "That's the loveliest plan I ever did hear!" Cybart nodded, "Reminds me of the time I built my High Citadel in Pittsburgh, surrounded by the desolate wastes filled with MONKEY RIPPERS and FWOMBLING GNARGLES! And when BINGO NIGHT was WEDNESDAY, and when the High Glunking Murdlfurt was not looking, I slipped POP ROCKS into his fishpond and became the SOLE RULER OF THE BUBBLEWRAPIAN EMPIRE! I then went on a quest for the BRONZE POTATO which turned INVINCIBLE when soaked in warm water, and used it to throw at TOURISTS, while singing the CHARMIN TOILET PAPER COMMERCIAL SONG! Then I went on a cruise to the Yukon, sook out my turnip roots, returned home and became a well-off executive in the Paper Drink Umbrella Business, who heard voices of Bob the Great Kipper and Suzanfookl Manderbinmgs." Each one standing there grinned crazily, remembering the old days of a few months ago.

The thunderous galloping of many, many animals signified the girls had succeeded in their journey, Cybart on a camel, Karakins on an ostrich, the Panda Mae! on a gorilla, and Reikei on a giraffe; all cackling insanely as though they were off to take over the world. But they weren't, Massa Sev was. The four galloped into the sunset, their maniac cackles wafting spiffily through the evening air.

A big thanks to Rachel, Mae, Massa Sev, and Kara--who's mind-numbing, delicious insanity and fabulous yarn-spinning skills helped make this possible.

"COOKIE in Knockturn Alley"

Kalina Hooknotch: * Taps her foot against the stone sidewalk, wondering if Sierra got stuck in the floo *
* Looks around nervously, no one seems to be hovering about...which is odd *

Sierra Snape: *Emerges from a shop, dusting soot off of herself, hacking considerably*
That.. sucked.
*Shakes her head to get the soot from her hair, then turns and narrows her eyes at Kalina*
Now what?

Kalina: We try to find everything we need.
* Pulls a wrinkled peice of parchment out of her pocket *
I ripped it out of a book the last time we were here.
* Smugly *
I suppose my intuition was right.

Si: Your cleverness frightens me.
*Peers at the page, then looks about the alley*
Where to first?

Kalina: Thank you.
* Looks around also...tapping her chin *
I think there...
* Nods to a shop that looks rather dangerous; so dangerous that it doesn't even have a name *
...Just because it looks like a place where some of this stuff should be.

Si:*Puts her hand on Kalina's back and shoves her forward*
Well, go on..
*Follows her*

Kalina:* Glares over her shoulder *
Give me a sec!
* Takes a deep breath, flipping her hood up *
* Walks into the creepish place, which is dusty and smells old, stale, and a little bit like lavender *
* Hastily looks on the shelves and backs away as a hand in a jar gives her the finger *

Si: *Puts her hood up as well and links arms with Kalina*
*Lowers her voice*
What are we looking for in here?
*Practically leaps onto Kalina as a seemingly stuffed rat leered at her*

Kalina: * Scrunches up her nose, seeing the rast as well *
Antipodean Opaleye dragon eggshells.
* Rolls her eyes and does this wierd giggle laugh thing *
We're going to need a LOT to get this...Especially if this place has some wierd payment chart.
We may have to donate our limbs...Or eyes...Maybe our sinusoidal mucus...

Si: *Stares*
I treasure my limbs, thanks.
*Lets go of her arm to inspect the ingrediant thingy*
Nasty--

Kalina: Okay...eggshells.
* Mumbles several things *
Trolls...Yes!
Trolls suck the eggy part out of an egg...So...
* Stalks down one aisle, and nearly trips on a large hairy foot *
* Stops and stares in horror as the foot groans and curses then hops away *
* Etches back *
...Sick.

Si: *Turns to Kalina, calmly, a hand clamped around her wrist*
Get... it.. off...

Kalina: * Smacks it with her wand *
Effing--thing!

Si: *Once it is off, she begins to do a flappy dance*
Eeew eeew EEEW!
*Shudders involuntarily*
Gnarly!

Kalina: * Stands on her tippy toes to look at the shelves *
How the hell is someone supposed to find anything in here?
* Turns around not to see Sierra, but a clean, freakish nice-looking old woman *
* Tugs on her hood *
* "Need help my kind, kind visitors?" The old woman says all honey-toned *
* Scruffly *
Yes, we need Antipodean Opaleye dragon eggshells...Do you have any Madame...?
* Is all nervous-like *

Si: *Clings to Kalina's sleeve, eyeing the creepy woman*
Err.. what she said.

Kalina: * "Yes! But you have to play with cookie. Cookie is very lonely...and she eats the eggs. Play with Cookie and try to sneak them...but be careful! Cookie bites." The old woman says, pointing to a room with COOKIE written on it in black marker *
Cook-ie...?
* Swallows *
What's a...Cookie?

Si: *Throws her arms around Kalina's neck*
I don't wanna play with COOKIE!
*Bites her lip, sniffling*
Hooknotch, I'm scared!

Kalina: I don't either!
I had my future all planned out...
* Pulls her wand, walks to the door and pushes it open *
* It's dark...very dark... *

Si: *Throws her arms around Kalina's waist, wand firmly secured in her left hand*
What happens if we get eaten? How will they identify our bodies!?
*Half-hyperventalating about now...*

Kalina: Then we'll come back and tell them!
* Stars into the room, trying to see *
Lumos!
* The room lightens, there is nothing in sight...Merry-go-round music starts to play *
Creepy...
* Steps in, pulling Si along with her *

Si: *Whines*
Kalina!!! I'm scared.. like... I'm gonna need a clean pair of knickers!
*Pulls her wand out as well and lights it, pointing it around*

Kalina: * Finally is able to see THE fattest...grossest...Leprechaun/Bunny/Spider Monkey/Lizard/Roach *
* STARES *
Gross! Is it...is it awake?!

Si: *Is now latched around Kalina's waist*
I DUNNO! Has it eyes?!
*Chews lip, shaking*

Kalina: * Looks around, then grabs a wooden contraption and throws it at Cookie *
* It grunts, then pops a very large pink eye open...it stares and says, "Cookie want play! Play wiff Coooookie, now!" *

Si: *Gasps in terror*
*Looks around for... the things they came in here to get.. err*
*Stares at Cookie*
Why!?

Kalina: * "Cause Cookie is hungryyyyy...PLAY WITH COOKIE!" *
* Winces, looking about feverishly *
How?!
* "Ball!" Cookie says, pointing to Cookie *
Er...Sierra...?

Si: Bawl!?
I can do that.
*Begins to sob hysterically*

Kalina: No! Uggh...
* Picks a ball off of the floor and throws it with all her might at Cookie's head--trying to conk it out *
* Watches as Cookie waddles back and rolls *

Si: *Peers through her fingers*
Did.. it work?

Kalina: * Cookie hovers over Sierra, breathing heavily, "PLAY!" *
* Is gaping as Cookie has fangs! *
Si...

Si: *Stares up at Cookie in frozen horror*
*Staring...*
*Just STARING*
*...stare*

Kalina: * Stares for a moment *
Cookie! I'll play with you!
* Cookie looks from Sierra, "Play with Cookie?" *
Yes! Under one condition!
* Cookie floats in the air...looking dumbfounded, "Play with Cookie under what condition?" *
Yes! You give us something in return! Antipodean Opaleye dragon eggshells.

Si: *Twitches madly*
Yes! What she said!

Kalina: * Cookie seems to be deep in thought for about five minutes... *
* Shifts, looking nervously to Si *
* "Okay! Cookie will pay for play!" *
Urm...what...do you want to play...?

Si: *Shaking like a leaf*
Yeh, what?
*Hopes it has nothing to do with those fangs*

Kalina: * "Spank the Pilgrim!" Cookie says *
Uh...Spank...the...Pilgrim?
* Cookie nods and smiles *
How...do you play...that?
* "You be the Pilgrim...and I'll spank you! You better ruuuuun...!" *
* RUNS *

Si: *Runs in terror, screaming musically*
OH, REAL GREAT IDEA, HOOKY!
*Slams into a wall*

Kalina: WELL--I DIDN'T KNOW!
* Is almost crying--making whining noises *
* Cookie laughs, chasing them with a wooden paddle, "SPANK, SPANK, SPANK!" He swings to hit Si's bum, but narrowly misses *

Si: *Screams*
*Backs into a corner, slides down and sits FIRMLY on the floor*
*Shakes, clutching the wand in her pocket*

Kalina: * Dives for cover and rolls over--out of reach of spankage *
* "THAT'S NOT FAIR!" Cookie screams, floating back to the floor. "I wannother game! NOW!" *

Si: *Stands and keeps against wall, trembling*
You're a crazy--thing!

Kalina: * Cookie conjours a stick and beats Sierra with it, "NO! MOMMA SAYS I'M SPECIAL!!! SPECIAL!" Cookie cries and changes the stick to a chicken liver. *
* Stares in horror *
COOKIE! Stop!
* O.o *

Si: *Huddles against corner*
NERVE ENDINGS!
*Sobs, so terrified of this creature, mainly the way it looks...*
O.O

Kalina: This is loonacy...
OKAY! We've played enough! Where are the eggshells?!
* Cookie turns--slow and creepily, "Play time is not OVER!" *
* Whimpers *
Yes it is! IT WAS OVER A LONG TIME AGO!
* "NEEEEEVER!" Cookie starts to spin...making a tornado thing, but he stays in place. *
What the...?

Si: *STARES*
Kalina--
*Runs and TACKLES her*
What do we DOOOOO!?
*Distressed, hyperventilating*

Kalina: I DUNNO!
* Shivers *
Where is a big strong man when you need him?!
* Twitches, trying to calm Sierra down *
Let's...throw stuff!
* Throws a book at Cookie...as it is still spinning *

Si: *Hysterically*
Back at Hogwaaarts!
*Tosses stuff at the psychotic thing, gnawing at her robe sleeve in terror*

Kalina: * A HUGE mouth with larger fangs forms on Cookie in funnel form *
* Clings to Si *
It's the end!
* "NO PLAY--THEN EAT!" Cookie starts to chomp at things *
* Cries hysterically *

Si: *Clings back, sniffling like mad*
Kalina--I always wanted to tell you this--!
*Gasp, choke, sob*
You're WIERD! BUT YOU'RE LIKE.. MY BEST MATE!
*Hugs and sobs onto her shoulder*

Kalina: AND--AND--YOU ALWAYS WORRY ME!
BUT I LOVE YOU ANYWAY!
* Is going to peices at the thought of dying without accomplishing so many things in life... *

Si: I never said goodbye to my CAAAT!
*Sobs harder*
And I never got to play my new PIANOOOOO!
*RoWrs and tosses a stick at it in fury*
SATAN SPAWN!

Severus Snape: * Pushes the door to the shop open, the bell rings and he sweeps in *
* Pulls his cloak tightly around him, feeling a strong draft come from one of the open windows *
* Sees no one behind the counter *
* Arches an eyebrow *
* Wonders where that blasted shop keeper was when you needed him *
* Decides to leave *

Kalina: * Screams in the agony of her ending life *
I NEVER GOT TO NECK ANYONE!
* Sobs into Sierra's shoulder *
NEVER GOT TO TELL YOU ABOUT--
* Cowers as Cookie nears: "TIME FOR A SNACK MY PRETTY, PRETTY LITTLE DUMPLINGS!" Cookie smacks its lips *
* Pushes Si down, she with her, staring up at Cookie and closing her eyes *
* Screams again *

Si: *Holds onto Kalina and screams loud enough to wake the Japanese emporer*
*Opens her eyes to STARE at the WIDE... GAPING.. FANGED.. MOUTH*

Sev: * Hears a gut-wrenching scream from one of the closed doors of the shop *
* Turns his head for a moment *
* Being the snoopy-arse-grease-monkey he is ... *
* Turns on his heel and approaches the door *
* Knocks lightly *
* Hoping this wasn't the toilet... marked - "Cookies" *

Kalina: * Cookie turns to the door, causing a sweep of wind: "COOKIE LIKE! MOOREEE FOOD FOR COOKIE YESSSSSS!" *
* Looks to the door, her eyes crazy with hope *
YES! COME IN! NOW. BEFORE--TWO SINGLE WHITE FEMALES GET EATEN!
* Blinks at her words--she had to say something that may get a potential saviour's attention...assuming his some hobo street creep *

Si: *Holds Kalina's head tightly, gazing at the door*
YES, BEFORE WE GET EATEN ALIVE!
*Watches Cookie drool*
AAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH!!!!!!!!

Sev: * Hears a slight swooping sound *
* Suddenly eyes widen as a giant owl from the Magical Menangerie across the road, swoops right up to him and thwacks him right back against the door... *
* ... Breaking it down and sending himself and the owl flying smack-back into cookie *
* ... SPLAT! ... right against the wall *
*errr face*
* Shudders *
* Owl feathers flying everywhere... and grease marks across the floor *

Kalina: * Cookie is knocked against the wall, falling to the floor in its normal fattness--conked out *
* Swallows, propping herself up on her elbows...moving a peice of hair from her face *
* Fearfully *
Si...
* Jabs her in horror, seeing Snape--and being caught by him...would be a worse fate than getting eaten by Cookie...almost *

Si: *Sits up, picking wood shavings out of her hair*
*Sees Sev*
*Cannot breathe*
*Stares in horror at Kalina*

Sev: * Moves forwards, managing to move away from the half-splattered monster and the half-dead owl *
* Crawls across the floor slightly *
* Makes a small grunt... *
* ... then collapses *

Si: *Scuries over to him and rolls him onto his back*
*Looks at Kalina*
Can't tell you HOW many times I've saved him. Twice...
*Points her wand to his forehead*
Ennervate!

Kalina: * Her eyes widen *
Why d'you go and do that?!
We could have hauled him back to Hogwarts and just told him he was vandalized by a band of invisible pirates...and had a nightmare!

Sev: * Still remains horribly and silently still *
* Evil and horridly scary *
* DeAd....(evilgrin face) *
* Without another word, he takes a fistfull of Sierra's robes into hand and eyes fly open ... the dark orbs looking unusually venomous *
* Sits up slowly... *
* Narrowing his eyes *
Miss Sierra Lynn Snape... what in Merlin's under-bloomers are you doing here?!

Si: *Eyes as large as saucers*
*Stutters*
Well, we, err.. eermm...
*Rubs head*
Nasty bump back there.. ask Kalina.
*Is dead, officially, dead*
*Eyes dart*

Kalina: What?!
* Frantically looks around as if perhaps she were talking about someone else by the name of Kalina *
* Swallows *
We were just outside the castle...doing something constructive--when suddenly we found ourselves in Knockturn Alley where a group of crazed Monks proceeded to chase us in here!
Then this elderly woman forced us to...play with Cookie! It was honestly horrible, Professor...
Can you imagine? All that? Happening to such model students--well one anyway...Those things happen everyday! You should read about them...this is even Prophet worthy material!
You can almost see the title: 'Innocent Hogwarts Students Mysteriously transported to Knockturn Alley'...I bet that thing is the missing link! Cookie!
Yes! We'll have Magizoologists from all over here examining that creature you saved us from! And you'll be respected by all! My mother would even pay you! And then Sierra and I can go back to school...happy and safe--knowing that we were saved by a brave and amazing man!
* Pauses...her rambling coming to an end *

Sev: * Slightly open-mouthed at the story *
* Almost lost track at the chasing monks part *
* Narrows his eyes *
* Hoists himself up *
* Standing once again to his full height *
* Tugging at his collar *
You mean to tell me, Miss Hooknotch, that you were magically transported here and chased by monks into ... this potions store?
* Dusts himself off *
* Folds his arms *
* Blinks at the dead owl and half-dead creature *
Hmm... come with me girls... no more time to sit idle about.
* Shifty eyes *
Before the old woman returns...
* Turns on his heel and beckons the girls to follow *

Si: *Jumps to her feet and follows him, staring at
Kalina like she's a fruitloop*

Kalina: * Gives Si a cheesey grin--She has a definate problem with rambling *
* Hoists herself up and follows, fearing the worst *